Life is like a bowl of spaghetti,
Suck it up and get sauce in your eye.
Stain your favourite shirt and tie,
But swallow it and sample paradise.
John Lennon, 1974.
Editor’s Note: I have been asked to point out by our publishers that John Lennon did not write this. I am not sure he (John Lennon) even liked pasta.
Hello again, and welcome to Chapter 2. By now you should be burning with the desire to change your life, get rich and help others along the way.
Start chanting positive mantras as quickly as you can. Whilst this sounds a really silly thing to do, just remember that you are going to have to make a lot of changes in your life to become rich and successful.
When you wake up in the morning say “Keith David (change to your name) is a millionaire” twenty times. Get used to the sound of it. Sooner or later you will be listening to other people talking about you.
Editor’s Note: Believe it or not, Keith really does this every morning without fail. It is particularly embarrassing if we are stopping in a Travelodge.
Before you get much further you really need to decide on what area you are going to become an expert in.
Look around you. What can you see?
Are you staring out of a window? Look more closely at the window. Is it possible to seal the edges of the glass with toothpaste, saving the average householder thousands of pounds? Are you looking at your partner? Is he/she too short? Would you prefer them to be taller? Is there a way to gain height? What about experimenting with an iron bar, a bag of spinach and carrier bags filled with bricks?
It did not take me long to find something. I set up focus groups, instigated a market research plan, spent time blue sky thinking, drew project diagrams and planned, planned and planned some more.
My chosen area of expertise was how to lose weight without dieting or exercising. Here is some of my blue sky thinking.
Challenging Questions for Creating my Weight Loss Expertise
Q: Why are fat people fat?
A: Firstly because they like eating, not dieting, and secondly because they like lying on sofas watching TV.
Q: With these two issues in mind, what if there was a way to get people to lose weight or be happy with their weight and figure, without dieting or exercising?
A: If there was a way, the inventor would get rich.
Q: How much would a fat person be prepared to pay for this?
A: I don’t know, I’m not fat.
It shouldn’t take you very long to work out that Keith leads a very sheltered life. I send my sincerest apologies to anyone reading this who may be slightly overweight. It does get worse, but please remember when reading any references to fat people that the author is an ignoramus.
It is important to have evidence of your ability as an expert. After all, who is going to buy your book if you cannot demonstrate your expertise? Would you buy an igloo off an Eskimo who had never lived in one?
I enlisted the services of a volunteer by placing an advertisement in the local newspaper asking for volunteers to change their lives at no financial cost. Barry Leffat, the volunteer I chose at random to help me in my quest to get rich and help others, features regularly in these articles as evidence of my expertise.
Keith David is a businessman from a small village in North Wales. He is the author of “The Fat Man’s Guide to Not Being Fat”, “How to Get Rich” and a couple of other self-help books. Best known for his dramatic rise to fame after inventing a dietary plan to lose 7 stone in a week, he is similarly fairly well known for his subsequent fall back into penury. His wife, Anwen David regularly hacks his blog entries and adds factual corrections.