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Feel Rich, Get Rich

Feel Rich, Get Rich
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My name is Keith David and I am very wealthy. I am married to a beautiful blonde haired woman 10 years my junior. I run a fleet of vehicles including a Porsche, a Bentley and a Reliant Scimitar. I own a penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park in New York, a ranch in Colorado, a shooting estate in Scotland and a town house in London.

As I write this, sat in my Jacuzzi with a glass of champagne, watching the sun set over Loch Lomond in the distance, I look back and remember my struggle against all the odds to enjoy the lifestyle of the wealthy.

This is my guide on how to get rich, the Keith David way.

How do you get rich? People die trying. I didn’t, obviously.

As I lay sleeping in my bed one night, the idea to get rich came to me. Religious people would probably call it divine inspiration. Indeed, there is something almost spiritual about my thoughts and I have often wondered whether I am a reincarnated Buddhist monk put back into the world to help others and create wealth for many.

I want to share my technique with you and help make the world a better place. For you and for me (and the entire human race).

Like most successful people, I come from a humble, working class background. Life was not handed to me on a silver platter. My parents were grafters, struggling to make ends meet living on a combined income of less than the local car mechanic.

What qualifications do you need to get rich? None. All I have is my forklift truck licence and a basic food hygiene certificate. I failed my 11 plus and was written off by my teachers as another of life’s natural failures.

How to Get Rich and then lose it all

 

Keith David is a businessman from a small village in North Wales. He is the author of “The Fat Man’s Guide to Not Being Fat”, “How to Get Rich” and a couple of other self-help books. Best known for his dramatic rise to fame after inventing a dietary plan to lose 7 stone in a week, he is similarly fairly well known for his subsequent fall back into penury. His wife, Anwen David regularly hacks his blog entries and adds factual corrections.

Comments (1)

  • Apart from the ‘beautiful blonde-haired woman’ bit, most of the above is total baloney. Keith has never even been to New York or Colorado. If Keith attempted to shoot a pheasant with a gun he would probably end up in hospital with a bullet in his foot. Our children have a range of cars in the toy box, but I haven’t spotted a Reliant Scimitar in there yet. We don’t own a yacht, although we do have an inflatable dinghy with a puncture in the garage.

    Throughout the book I have included extracts from Keith’s infamous “Hot Pad” after temporarily borrowing it for a few hours to photocopy the contents. The Hot Pad lives in a drawer next to our bed and is Keith’s ideas book. Sometimes Keith claims that he did not write the notes and they have been put there by an extra-terrestrial or divine being.

    Here is the note that started the whole ‘getting rich’ journey off:

      The Hot Pad
      October 4th

    3.14am – new idea – write book for fat people to reassure them that it is OK to be fat. Write a book for thin people upside down and back to front with the fat people book and package them together.

    5.02am – wavy grass dream again – the rabbits are laughing at me. What does it mean?

    The entry may well have been influenced by his digestive system rather than any reincarnation.

    On October 4th Keith went to our village cheese & wine evening, consuming an entire slab of blue cheese, half a pack of cream crackers, five pints of real ale and three large glasses of port before retiring to the bed chamber.

    Here is a copy of Keith’s ‘business plan to get rich’:

      The Hot Pad
      October 4th 2010 6.30am
      Business Plan

    Plan – set myself up as an expert.
    What am I an expert at? Nothing.
    What do people look for experts for? Dieting, fitness, losing weight – all very popular.
    Light Bulb Moment: Write a book about losing weight without dieting and become an expert on Rapid Weight Loss.
    Time estimated to write the book: 2 days, provided I am not disturbed by my wife expecting me to do housework as well as be the breadwinner and make money.
    Time estimated to market the book: 3 hours. Find a celebrity, stick a camera in their face, tell them that we are from an arts programme on BBC2 and get the celebrity to endorse the book.
    Estimated bank balance in 6 weeks: £1 million.

    Editor’s Note:
    Let’s be honest. A 12 year old could have written this. Everything in the business plan is plucked from mid-air.

    The housework comment was, I am sure, included in the plan above to enrage me if I ever read it. It worked. I controlled my anger by throwing a cushion at the wall.

    It is time to start adding the truth to the manuscript.

    Keith David – a reincarnated Buddhist monk looking to do good, a fool desperate for cash, or a greedy money obsessed conman taking money from gullible people? You decide as you read this book.

    Keith doesn’t come from a working class background. He was brought up within a well-off, middle class family who lived in a nice, large house on a private estate near Derby. I suppose it could be said that his mother and father (both teachers) earned less than a car mechanic, but only if the car mechanic was taking home £60,000-£70,000 a year.

    The qualifications bit above is a complete fabrication. Keith has an undergraduate degree in Psychology and an MBA in Business Bollocks (as he likes to say). He cannot drive a forklift truck to the best of my knowledge, although he once crashed a JCB digger into a hedge.

    Before this ‘Expert’ plan Keith had already developed other innovative ideas to make us rich. There have been ten of these to date, not including any ‘visions’ and bursts of inspiration. Examples of ‘visions’ and bursts of inspiration include multi-coloured garlic mushrooms and telephones without wires.

    I met Keith when I was working as a nurse in the Accident & Emergency Department at the local hospital near Rhyl. He had been admitted to hospital after falling off a ladder and landing with his head in a large pot of blue gloss paint. I am not sure anyone has ever been on a first date with someone who has dyed their face and hair blue, but it was very funny.

    We married a few months after we met and had Child No.1 exactly 9 months and 1 day after our wedding night. Child No.2 arrived equally rapidly.

    At the time Keith wrote this book we owned a café in Llangollen, North Wales. The business was a very successful venture, mainly because Keith ignored it.

    It is quite important, for a whole host of reasons I shall not bore you with at this stage, to know where the David family resides. We live in a small village in North Wales called Llandaffr DH. The DH stands for something long forgotten in the mists of time.

    Llandaffr DH has a pub called The Coal Pit (aka ‘The Lump’), an eclectic mix of residents, a village shop and a pond. Surrounded by woodland and hills, it is a beautiful place and features quite a lot in Keith’s manuscript. This is mainly because Keith rarely leaves the village and a lot of his ‘entrepreneurial activities’ take place in The Lump.

    I suspect that you, the reader, is probably wondering by now what on earth this book is all about. Who cares about the writer? Why would you be bothered where he lived or his background? Why on earth should you buy a book on how to get rich by becoming an expert if the writer is a fraudster and his wife has corrected just about everything he has written?

    These are fair points, but please keep reading. There are lots of things to be learnt from this guide. Continue with our ‘warts and all’ tale of good fortune, unbelievable ignorance and acquired wealth.

    Reply

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